"Why didn't you and so and so work out? I really liked him."
"Do you even want to get married?"
"Does it bother you that your little sister/brother/cousin/nephew/niece is getting married before you?"
"Maybe you should try this dating site."
"When do you plan on settling down?"
"So... why aren't you married yet?"
Anyone ever had to answer any of these questions lately?
Let me just take a minute to quote the movie The Princess Bride
"and thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject.
While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it?"
I'm in my mid-twenties and my newsfeed is blowing up with engagements, weddings and beautiful babies.
And congrats to all of you,
But what if we aren't there yet?
Now some of you might be thinking...
"Mh what are you talking about? You are married!"
And that's true.
I am very happily married, but I have had a lot of experience being single.
Like I was kind of a professional at being single. lol
And the sad thing is, before I met my husband, I had mentally gotten to a place where I didn't feel worthy of love.
Anybody been there?
Maybe you are there now...
And while the questions I listed at the beginning of my post are very annoying,
those pressing questions from our families and friends aren't anywhere near as bad as the questions we start to ask ourselves....
"Am I ugly?"
"Am I ever going to get married?"
"Am I ever going to find someone?"
"What does she have that I don't?"
"What if I messed it up already with the guy I'm suppose to be with?"
"What's wrong with me?"
You know what I'm talking about.
Those questions that make you stay up late at night.
The questions that make you grab your phone and text your married friend: "Hey? Does your husband have any single friends yall could set me up with?"
The questions that re-program your brain so that every time you attend your Young Adults Group, or a party you see every new guy as your possible future husband?
The questions that turn you into the creepiest facebook creeper ever.
("Ohhhh that guy in my friend's picture is kind of cute.... YES! He's single!')
The questions that actually make you consider checking out that dating site everyone has been telling you about.
Come on ladies!
Let's put down the bowl of sherbert, the romantic comedies, cell phones and kleenexes and listen up!
(Actually on second thought, grab that bowl of sherbert again...
No use in letting perfectly good sherbert go to waste.)
The truth is....
Everything is going to be okay.
Marriage isn't the end all, be all of life.
It really isn't.
Most of the time the people asking you those questions like
"Got any new prospects yet?"
are actually doing it out of love, not trying to hurt you or make you feel worthless.
A lot of times they are just really interested in your life and want to girl-talk with you!
But because of the follow up questions we ask ourselves late at night,
and the insecurities that we are dealing, those question cut deep.
And don't get me wrong- some people are jerks, some people really are unaware of what they are really saying.
But, how do we usually answer these questions?
I think for most girls, we give a little awkward, light hearted laugh and say "I don't know" or we cop-out and make a little joke.
Sometimes we have no idea what to say.
But let's get honest with ourselves.
There really are answers to the "why are you still single?" question,
and they have nothing to do with us being ugly, unnatural, diseased or damaged.
Here are a few reasons that maybe you have been afraid to say...
5. I just need some time to heal.
Maybe you just got out of an abusive, unfaithful marriage or relationship,
maybe someone left you,
maybe you grew up feeling unwanted or unloved,
maybe someone hurt you bad.
maybe it even happened years ago.
But it's still there. And you need to have enough time to heal.
Don't worry baby girl- take all the time you need.
Find out what you really want, seek counseling and therapy.
Get some good relationship role models in your life (That aren't part of the cast of a romance novel, or romantic comedy)
Take baby steps.
There is nothing wrong or different about you.
You'd be hard pressed to find a man or woman, single or married that hasn't been hurt- and been hurt bad.
Don't be that person who uses relationships as band aids for deep wounds you have.
That isn't fair to the person you are in a relationship with or yourself!
4. I don't really have a desire to get married right now...
You go girl! Seriously.
You know what you want, and what you don't want!
And that means you're ahead of the curve in a lot of ways.
Maybe one day you'll feel like you want to get married,
but maybe you won't.
Stay true to yourself and don't let anyone make you feel crazy or wrong for that.
You know yourself better than anyone else does.
Whatever you're future holds, you have the power to make it great or not.
Man or no man.
3. I don't know what I really want.
Whether you're 18 or 80!
Who really has it all figured out?
Do you want to raise a family or travel the world helping people?
Are you a future doctor, teacher, circus performer, astronaut etc?....
These things really do have a lot to do with the person you marry.
If you don't know what you want, then how do you know if the person you are with wants the same things as you do?
If my husband were to wake up tomorrow and tell me,
"Honey, I decided I actually don't want to be in ministry anymore... I want t be professional dancer! Let's start looking for apartments in New York."
I'd probably open a big fat can of "Freak Out Moment" on him!
Seriously- changing directions in a marriage is a lot harder than when you are single.
You derail another person (Or other people, if you have kids) when you do that.
I'm not saying that change can't happen in a marriage.
It can but it takes a little more work.
So take some time to get to know yourself.
I would suggest that you even steer away from any form of serious relationships if you have no idea what you want out of life.
But guess what?
That's okay too, we all have to find our way.
I'm not saying that you have to have it all figured out (cause I sure don't)
but let's get a little bit of an idea of what we really want.
2. I'm waiting for someone special and I wont settle.
Okay there are two sides to this one:
You are worth more than you think.
More than you even know or could fathom.
Every person the planet has self-worth.
Don't settle for anyone that doesn't love you in a big way.
Don't settle for someone who is rude, mean, or just doesn't want what you want.
Being single is like waiting at a train station, and you are trying to get on a train to Los Angeles.
Sometimes the train gets there quick- sometimes it takes forever!!
And sometimes, during the waiting, something bad starts to happen inside of you.
You are just really tired of waiting and want to get on a stinking train.
Everyone else is getting on a train!
Maybe it has been months, or years since you have even seen a train.
You panic because you feel like the trains out there are starting to dry up-
So you decide that whenever the next train comes, no matter where it goes,
you are jumping on it.
That's a really great way to end up stuck in Milwaukee, and never even see Los Angeles.
There will always be another train coming!
Now some of you out there really do have kind of impossible standards.
Let's be real here.
Us Christian girls- we are the worse sometimes!
We are told to make those stupid little list when we are like 5 years old
of all the things we want in a man.
Our lists all kind of look similar. Right?
"I want a tall guy with beautiful blue eyes, blonde hair, with a british/ irish accent. blahblahblahblah"
I heard a Pastor one time hit the nail on the head. He said:
"The problem with most of our lists is that you couldn't even date Jesus!"
Jesus didn't have blonde, hair, blue eyes and a british accent!
and He was the greatest man to ever live!
We are too focused on things that we want that aren't really that important
The things that are important are:
Character, morals, love, his heart, is he driven? etc..
A six-pack doesn't make a great husband.
I'm just saying.
And sometimes we want the hottest guy because we kind of want to show off.
Please don't be that shallow.
You might cut a wonderful man out of your life that could've loved you dearly because of how he looks.
Sorry- I'll step off my soap box now. lol
But do yourself a favor- go ask a couple that has been married for years what is the most important things in a relationship and in a spouse.
And then take this waiting time trying to become the best spouse you can be instead of trying to find the greatest.
1. I'm just not ready.
That's so good!
Thank you for being brave enough to admit it.
There is nothing wrong with that at all.
I wasn't ready when I was 18, 19, 20 ,21, 22...
I was still figuring out me-
I had no idea about paying rent, utilities, phone bills, cable bills, insurance, car payments, budgeting, saving money, buying a house, building credit, etc...
And yes that is a huge part of marriage!
Money is a big factor in divorce.
there is a huge step in maturity that comes with being financially INDEPENDENT and responsible.
Maybe your parents or someone else pays for your housing, and your car insurance and phone bill, but you pay for your health insurance and food?
No. That is still not the same as paying ALL the bills.
Being 100% responsible for you.
It's good practice though and you are on the right track.
But you need to seriously research how much it actually costs to live, and how much you actually make.
Being financially independent (in my opinion) is one of the greatest things you can do in your marriage.
It makes you a team!
It's one of the great hurdles and struggles you encounter and overcome together as husband and wife!
Maybe you do a lot of volunteer work right now, maybe you are finishing your college degree, maybe you got into an awesome internship that doesn't pay.
That's awesome! Do that right now.
because if you get married it will cut down on the amount of time you can afford to do those things that you love!
You don't want to miss out on that!
Hint: If your biggest financial worry about marriage is how you are going to afford your dream pinterest wedding then you probably aren't ready to get married.
And I know what a lot of you are thinking
"But mh! I am going to be a stay-at-home wife!"
Maybe you are...... maybe....
But I would say for about 50-75% of you, probably not
especially for your first few years of marriage...
So be prepared to make it work.
You are a team!
And money isn't the only thing.
There is a lot that comes with marriage that you probably just don't need to focus on right now.
Enjoy where you are at now!
When you are ready to take that bite out of life, you'll know it!
So here we are, coming to an end...
I hope this article informs you but also encourages you that it doesn't mean you are ugly or damaged if you aren't married.
I just want us all to get honest.
Single isn't something to be ashamed of!
It's an awesome part of life!
And you have the ability to make someone really happy one day,
and that person is you.
So stop living in fear- You're okay.
Until next time!